I know a lot of people were invested in what was one of the older "circus couples", although this wasn't merely a "circus relationship". We weren't in it merely for the short-term. I'd like to explain why I broke up with him last month on New Years Day when 24 hours earlier I was perfectly happy and in love with my soul-mate and best friend.  (yes, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to)

I met Devan Lambert in Chicago when the circus came through town. I found him at an online site. We met when he picked me up in his car at the United Center after a gig. We've been inseparable ever since. Well, first we did the long-distance thing for six months before he got a job driving a utility van doing the circus Purchasing job.

He's been on the road with me for five years. We were together continuously and without interruption for that time. Even when he was at home in Chicago in 2009 for four months for personal reasons we were still very much a couple, or so I thought. On January 1st, 2010 I discovered that he had been unfaithful with multiple partners the entire time we were together. He travels by van while I commute from city to city by train. He was taking advantage of my busy performance schedule, working holidays, nights and weekends.

I woke him up, took my key back and kicked him out. It has been a considerable personal loss for me, but I intend to move on. I just wanted people hear the story directly from the horse's mouth.  

As of last month we were planning to stay with the circus at least one more year (his idea) and then move to Nashville or Portland (again, his idea). I wasn't forcing him to do anything he didn't want to do. He likes his job better than I like mine. I don't understand why he felt the need to keep me tied down while he was essentially living the life of a single man. It's important to note that in addition to the anonymous hook-ups he also maintained boyfriends who were under the impression that they were in a committed relationship with him. That's the twisted part.   

Our former sax player, Mike Mullan, used to tell me that we didn't always 'look' like a couple. We weren't openly a couple around Devan's parents' family (his request). And we weren't physically affectionate around my family (my request). We come from a conservative Chicago background. In 2006 someone carved "fag" into Devan's van. He told me it was a circus employee. I wasn't very impressed that it took at least nine months before they got around to buffing it out.

I've always shied away from being too "obvious" in public as it is, because I don't want any trouble. And at work we avoided looking like a couple (my request) except among friends, because there's a high turn-over rate at the circus and I worried that something might happen to him if the wrong sort of people knew we were gay.

I only mention this because this can lead to a perceived ambiguity around a couple which may be part of what enables a serial cheater. Just a theory. Suddenly wedding rings make sense to me. Yet now I'm glad to say that we never made it legal, even though he wanted a joint bank account early on, and wanted to get on my health insurance policy even though we have the same insurance coverage being employed at the same place. One time he even told me that after we leave I'd have to put him on my auto insurance since his would be too expensive. That would've never happened... 

I think it's perfectly justifiable to go back into the closet when it's for personal safety. I guess I can't claim to be 100% out and proud. I'll leave that glory for the Stonewall drag queens who are bigger men than me. 

Wouldn't if be interesting if there was a social networking site to connect victims of serial cheaters so they can compare stories? ...so people can finally learn the real story about their partner? If we can't curb the reckless behavior then at least keep the damages to a minimum. I wasn't born yesterday, and never would have believed that someone could have fooled me in such a massive way. There are lessons to be learned here... but that'll be another post.

But I will say this much, I finally 'get' what women have been saying for years. Now I'm much more sensitive to their stories about how men lie. I used to have a much more callous take on that sort of thing, but back then I had the benefit of being very lucky in love. 

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30936626&l=9b4dd55c8b&id=1135562607

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/RyanStates